4.0

Chemistry Major, 19

I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety this past summer. When I first went to my therapist, I pretty much already knew that it would be that diagnosis. Looking back, I see all of my weird habits start to make sense.

I can’t step on a crack on the street or sidewalk with my left foot unless I step on another one with my right foot. Then I have to keep rotating.

Right Left,

left right,

left right,

right left.

The pattern continues.

I like the number four, so everything I did was in multiples of four.

1. I can’t sleep unless my room is clean. I think about the crooked shoe in my closet and I have to get out of bed to fix it. I end up awake the entire night cleaning out every inch of my closet.

2. If the salt and pepper shakers are out of place on a table at a restaurant, I can’t listen to anyone or do anything until I fix them.

3. I constantly clean other peoples’ rooms, cars, and houses because I can’t stand to be there when something is out of place. The way somebody else puts stuff away bothers me so much to the point where I have to fix it for them, even if it isn’t the way that they want it.

4. I get so frustrated with clutter that I will make myself throw things away just so I don’t have to worry about cleaning them or finding a place for them. I purge my possessions to get my mind off of stress.

Everything I get anxious about stems from things not being perfect. Things have to be

perfectly cleaned

perfectly straight

perfectly organized

perfectly matched

I cry when something is less than perfect. I am not able to control it, but I am aware of it. That is what makes it even worse. I know that I am unable to realistically expect that everything will be perfect. I know it makes no sense to cry over, but I can’t stop myself.

This applies to school and grades too. I considered myself not good enough when I found out I could have been my high school valedictorian if I had taken one more AP class. Being third in my class wasn’t good enough. I only got A’s in high school, and I expected myself to not do as well in college, but I ended up getting a 4.0 last semester. Part of me is glad I did because I would have been upset if I hadn’t, but the other part is telling me I just need to get it over with. I need to get an A- so I can let go of that expectation for myself.

The thing that has been the most stressful has been the pressure to keep getting A’s in classes. My parents have always been proud of my academic accomplishments and they have supported me and helped me throughout my entire academic career, but a lot of the times I feel as if they expect me to do well all the time. I get scared that if I am not THE best, they will think that I am not doing MY best and they will be disappointed in me. For the most part, I know that they wouldn’t think this, but with my anxiety, no matter how many times I tell myself this, my brain doesn’t believe it. So I push myself to be the best regardless of how the stress affects me. I notice that I don’t get sleep because I think of everything I have to do the next day.

I pick my cuticles until they bleed.

I bite my lips until they crack.

I scratch my legs until they’re raw.

I wash my hands until they burn.

I always find it weird that I know what I am doing. I tell myself, “Don’t do that, Rachel, you know you shouldn’t.” And I continue to watch myself do it. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my body or mind even though I can see myself and rationally understand what I am doing.

Getting a diagnosis put a name and a reason to all of my “weird habits.” It helped me understand why my fingers are bleeding while I am typing this, involuntarily trying to balance the number of keys I press with each hand, pressing the “save” button after every few seconds.