The Darkest Nights

Archaeology and Classic Civs major, Class of 2017

The past six months have been the hardest and longest months in my life. At the end of the summer break an eating disorder began to control my life. By September 2015, I was making sure I got in a 30-minute workout 5 times a week. As the days passed the amount of times I went to the gym reached everyday. Once October hit, I was at the point that I was working out daily; twice a day if my schedule allowed it. That is by far not the worst part; I gradually began to take out lunch from my day and started eating less and less. To me, food was becoming the enemy. It was going to make me fat and therefore unhappy and miserable. I also became obsessed with my weight. On good days I weighed myself twice and on bad days I would check my weight over five times. As a result, I was both mentally and physically exhausted and my ability to function healthily and happily was deteriorating.

One day, early in November I opened my collection of candy and binged. I stuffed my face with so much candy I almost made myself sick. And the intense mix of feelings I felt afterwards were some of the worse feelings imaginable. I felt anger, betrayal, frustration, guilt, disgust, hatred, depression, and fear. My body had betrayed me. It went against everything I had been working for. As the New Year began, I was eating less and binging more. I felt out of control and the sense of helplessness was overwhelming. I needed and wanted more help. I am not certain I will ever be fully recovered from my Eating Disorder, but I know that, with support from friends and family and my support team at the Eating Recovery Center, I will gain the skills and knowledge to ignore and fight back against my ED.