Disintegration Anxiety: Where will I go?

While I was drinking I would forget about this decision entirely. The alcohol simply barricaded the stress out of my mind and I thought that was suitable. If I could fall asleep, I tended to wake up in the middle of the night and irritatingly couldn’t fall back to sleep.

Picking sides between parents is never an easy decision. I graduated high school here in Cincinnati May 2013. That spring my mother had informed me she was moving to Florida, and my oldest and only brother was going with her. Now I am born and raised from Cincinnati and have never lived anywhere else, so I honestly wasn’t opposed to moving to Florida for college. I was quite intrigued by the idea of moving. However, I had difficult time keeping a clear frame of mind based off the fact I felt that I was picking between my parents; rather than picking where to live. The tension of weighing out my options trying to decide what to do was becoming a cycle of exhaustion and anxiety.

I graduated late in May of 2013 and had to make my decision by early July. That gave me approximately a little over a month to make possibly the biggest decision of my life at the time. I couldn’t sleep at nights staying up till the late hours of the night due to the fact my mind wouldn’t stop racing over the idea where to live. I was binge drinking almost every night to try and cope with the stress yet that wasn’t helping me mentally or physically. While I was drinking I would forget about this decision entirely. The alcohol simply barricaded the stress out of my mind and I thought that was suitable. If I could fall asleep, I tended to wake up in the middle of the night and irritatingly couldn’t fall back to sleep. I was being torn apart by the fact I know both my parents wanted the best for me, yet deep down they also had the mind set of hoping I would pick which parent to stay with. The decision was all up myself, which was putting significant pressure on me. Gratefully I have had a healthy relationship with both my parents my whole life; but I knew one of them would be heartbroken if they didn’t get to see me on a regular basis. I also didn’t want them to view the idea that I was truly picking sides, which wasn’t the case whatsoever.

My parents were beginning to become very impatient with me because I couldn’t make a decision where I wanted to live. Imagining the feeling of living by the beach and always being in warm weather is a comforting lifestyle. In addition to that there was also the thought of not seeing all four seasons in a year, which I honestly find pleasant. It can be a scary thought packing up and moving somewhere else, starting a whole new life. There always seems to be a gut feeling on what an individual wants to do when deciding a critical decision. It wasn’t until my sister, who was 28 at the time, gave me some that gut feeling, which truly made me decide on a verdict. She began by stating the fact that both our parents, whether I moved away or stayed put, would support me with no hesitation. Ultimately I knew exactly what I wanted to do based on what she told me. She said to me that I needed to make the decision not under the influence of alcohol. My sister knew alcohol was doing nothing more than clouding my judgment. My sister also told me that if I moved to Florida there is always the possibility for me to move back to Cincinnati.

Therefore I didn’t take a sip of alcohol leading up to informing my parents of my decision. I needed to make it without alcohol being a contributing factor. My gut feeling decided not to move to Florida with my mom and brother. At the time it wasn’t fair leaving my dad behind with none of his kids around. Sitting here 3 years since that decision I do wonder if I made the right choice in staying. That decision put me through countless hours of anxiety and stress. I felt that I couldn’t turn to my parents for opinions nor could I turn to them as a stress reliever. Abusing alcohol is no way to cope with your stress or how to make a truly ethical decision as a student, employee, or human being. What I took away from all this is that everyone stresses, its inevitable, but choosing a healthy way to cope with your stress will make an important decision much easier. It does interest me what would I have become if I were to move, but I can happily say I’m contempt with the past three years living here in the great city of Cincinnati.