Struggling with Stress
In the reality I lived in, the fate of my future was quantitatively determined by the number of A’s on my transcript. With this mindset, I began to live life in a mechanical manner, completing each day as if it were an item on a checklist. I became a machine whose sole function was to study and in turn earn the best grades possible...Subconsciously, I knew I was overworking myself, and that caffeine could only go so far in compensating for my sleep deprivation. However, I could not stop.
In today’s society, so much of our self-worth is tied to the quality of our work and performance; or in the case of the typical student, our grades. The three-letter acronym—GPA—has instilled feelings of fear and overwhelming stress since the beginning of freshman year in high school, where the following chain reaction was ingrained into my brain: good GPA à good college à dream job à success and happiness. Without the first component, the remaining aspirations were unattainable and unachievable, and any hope of living a fulfilling life was out the window. In the reality I lived in, the fate of my future was quantitatively determined by the number of A’s on my transcript.
With this mindset, I began to live life in a mechanical manner, completing each day as if it were an item on a checklist. I became a machine whose sole function was to study and in turn earn the best grades possible. In many instances, I would forego spending time with my friends to study for tests or to finish an extra credit assignment, and my academic life engulfed my personal and social life. Subconsciously, I knew I was overworking myself, and that caffeine could only go so far in compensating for my sleep deprivation. However, I could not stop. Why? Because Amy had received a higher grade than me on the English paper; Ellen, despite being two levels ahead of me in math, had just scored a perfect on her calculus midterm; Robert’s impeccable speech on WWII got him invited into the exclusive debate team. Within the walls of my high-achieving, competitive high school, everyone seemed to be thriving. And naturally, I compared my worst moments to others’ best moments. Soon enough, extensive stress seemed to be a daily part of life, as I set unrealistic expectations for myself and strove to be the best at everything. On the outside, I appeared to be a motivated, hardworking student. However, on the inside, mental turmoil and health deterioration wreaked havoc on my body.
The buildup of undue stress manifested itself during my sophomore year, as I enrolled in two AP classes notoriously known throughout the school for their difficulty: AP Chemistry and AP U.S. History. The most notable incident was the weekend before my first history Socratic seminar and first chemistry test, which coincidentally happened to fall on the same day. As I had been inundated with multiple other exams and assignments that week, I had had barely any time to prepare for either of these daunting assessments. In order to prepare for our Socratic seminar, my history teacher had given us five possible prompts to research and analyze beforehand; out of these five, she would pick one on the day of the seminar for us to discuss. In order to receive an A, it was the individual’s responsibility to present an argument or opinion relating to the topic at hand, and support one’s argument with evidence from the textbook— the key being to do this before anyone else. Due to the fact that there were over 10 people per round of discussion, I knew I had to prepare multiple arguments and pieces of evidence for each of the five prompts if I wanted to be successful. I mustered the little strength I had remaining to pull the humongous thousand-page history textbook out of my backpack in order to begin preparing. As I read the first line of the chapter, I suddenly felt my heart pounding and my palms sweating profusely. A surge of overwhelming panic came over me, and I began hyperventilating and doubting my ability to get everything done. A rush of thoughts flooded into my head: How am I going to go through all the pages in this monstrous textbook and find what I need? Will I get a chance to present my thoughts during the Socratic seminar, since there are 10 other people fighting for a chance to speak as well? Will this be like the mental Hunger Games? When am I going to find time to study for the AP Chemistry test? I still have to memorize the Solubility rules! I have to do well—my grades depend on it. My future depends on it. These thoughts overcrowded my brain and drove out any remnants of sanity. I felt like I had lost complete control of my body, and though I frantically tried to read the words in the textbook, I failed to process their meaning. The tiny font in the textbook began to blur together and the whole world began spinning uncontrollably. Fortunately, my mom had seen me in the midst of my first anxiety attack, and helped me regain my composure.
That moment of crippling panic and anxiety was nothing like I’d ever experienced before, and served as an important wake-up call in regards to the unhealthy manner in which I was living my life. This feeling of burnout left me so debilitated that I felt mentally and physically incapable of doing any work. The scariest part is that no one saw it coming—neither my parents, teachers, and friends, nor I could see the internal damage and pain I was inflicting on my body, as I appeared perfectly normal and fine on the exterior. And thus stems the greatest issue with mental illness. Mental health problems are perceived as “less real” and are often overlooked and neglected due to the fact that their symptoms are not visible to the human eye. In our fast-paced society ever growing in our standards and expectations, stress and anxiety is becoming normalized, with individuals failing to understand the detrimental consequences this continual pressure can have on the body and mind.
As opposed to accepting and capitulating to the stress that pervades my life, I’ve found it important to address ways to alleviate the burdens I feel on a daily basis. In addition to time management and prioritization, I’ve made it a habit of taking study breaks to relieve any tension I feel and to recharge for my next academic endeavor. Personally, I’ve found that physical activities such as playing tennis and doing Zumba improves my mood drastically and makes me feel rejuvenated. In addition, listening to music or playing the violin dissipates my burdens as I’m taken to a whole other world filled with creativity and simmering energy. As important as academics are, I’ve discovered that self-care comes first, and have made important changes that align with this newfound value.